Show Me the Voice Contest Revised 1

So I scheduled the previous post and then revised my first chapter….forgetting to change it in my scheduled post. I’ve actually moved that very beginning part to later on the first page and this is my new first 245 words. If you’re feeling nice you can read both and tell me if either one is better or whatever. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks!

(PS. There’s a fun pitch contest going on over at YATopia! Go enter!)

**Update: Revised again (hopefully with a little bit tighter writing) at 12:50pm on Mar 21st***

MELISMA

YA Urban Fantasy

 

A red velvet curtain is the only thing that stands between me and the buzzing audience as they fill their seats. I want to peek through and get a little glimpse, but the stage manager is already giving me dirty looks for being on his stage.

I close my eyes and imagine what Iโ€™ll see when I go out to singโ€”a full house. The noise thrums in my ears, and I capture the moment. My arm hairs stand on end, and I feel the familiar excitement tighten in my chest, accompanied by the slightest bit of damp palms and nail biting.

I love it.

Smiling, I leave the stage and act like Iโ€™m heading back to the green room to wait like a good little girl, but after a few steps I turn to see if any of the crew watches me. No one notices, so I sneak back into a dark corner of the wing, tiptoeing to keep my heels from clicking. I melt into the darkness, letting my black formal dress blend me into my surroundings, and push on the poofy skirt to make myself smaller.

With five minutes to go before the start of the competition, people in black bustle around, too busy to notice an out of the way corner. Once and a while a crew member will flick on a little light here and there, like fireflies moving around backstage.

Like on the night I was six and my mom told me a secret about music.

 

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About Karen Krueger

I write for teens when I'm not chasing after two cute kids. I love to sing and eat cereal (though not at the same time), and I most certainly am not a vampire because I'm addicted to sunshine.
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16 Responses to Show Me the Voice Contest Revised 1

  1. Again, I saw you did a great job with the voice. ๐Ÿ™‚ You already know I love it!

  2. Chersti says:

    This is fantastic! I can’t wait to read the rest. It gives a great sense of place and atmosphere, as well as letting us see inside your main character.

    I think you have some extra words that can be cut, since each sentence seems a little weighed down. But overall, I’m impressed!

  3. Cheree Smith says:

    You have a great voice here. I agree with chersti that some words could be cut because some of the paragraphs are a bit wordy, but you definitely hook me and leave me wanting more.

  4. Since this was my first visit here I read both versions. There’s a lot to like in what you’ve posted today, and good writing, but with one exception I think I prefer the previous one. Its third paragraph has too many unnecessary details, but otherwise I learn several interesting tidbits about your character that are lacking here. Today’s version has someone standing on a stage getting ready for a singing competition. Period. The voice is there, but nothing else, definitely no hook for me. But, it’s only my opinion. You write very well and with more than 250 words to go on I might very well want to keep reading. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks for your comment, Carol! I liked the previous version a little better myself, but I wondered if there was a problem with starting with a flashback, since I know so often that is an issue. Hopefully I can figure it out.

  5. Trisha says:

    This is great! I want to know what kind of performance she’s doing and how it goes. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Nice ‘showing’.

  6. I’m intrigued. I like the voice, it fits well for an urban fantasy and I’m very curious to learn the secret about music. I would hunt around for a stronger first line though. The one you have is fine, but it feels more like a second line to me, it just feels like something is missing right before it. A punchy little insight into your MC’s personality maybe….a curtain about to rise is a perfect opportunity for her to have a very revealing thought that tells us a lot about her attitude towards performances or audiences or herself. Is she nervous, excited, scared, anxious, or even bored?

    • LOL and I know you say that in the second paragraph, I just mean I want it a little sooner. Like does she have something she says to herself at the start of every show? A personal pep talk? Etc.

      • Kalen, thanks so much for your suggestions! I’ve been trying to figure out a more punchy first line, and I think what you’ve said will help with that. You’re awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Pingback: Show Me The Voice Contest UPDATE « Chersti Nieveen

  8. I like the other version better, too. It imminently shows genre, there’s mystery and drama, and it comes around full circle to the present. That’s not to say that this beginning isn’t good, it is, I just like the other one better. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. e6n1 says:

    More inherent drama in this version.

    “… on the night I was six and my mom told me a secret about music.”

    This could be a killer opening line.

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